Girl Tribe Tales – Part Two. I wish I had a different Mum.

Today’s Girl Tribe Tale comes from an anonymous mama.

I wish I had a different mother…

Everybody always seems to be shocked when I say I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. Like its abnormal to not get on with the person who gave birth to you. To be honest I’ve never got on with her and that just makes the whole situation worse. I’ll start from the beginning.

So as a child I was the youngest of two, my older brother was always the ‘bad’ one so when it came to me I always had to go above and beyond to not be following in his footsteps. That always irritated me feeling like I had to be perfect constantly, no one is perfect especially not a child, if I even dreamt of doing something naughty I’d have the worst telling off while my brother would get a slap on the wrist. I still don’t understand why she’d have two kids if she treated them so differently. I’m sure the punishments would be illegal now and I would never dream of treating either of my kids like that!

My childhood home was a dingy 3 bed flat, I say dingy but I bet the people living there now probably love it. All I remember is mess, she never cleaned, she never even tidied just simple things like putting rubbish in the bin. Either us kids did it or it didn’t get done. She did however do one big clean in the living room once a year at Christmas when family came round but basically it was just piling the mess into our bedrooms until company had left then it was back to normal. There was no heating but I wasn’t allowed extra clothes or blankets so once winter arrived I could literally see my fingers turning blue. We were only allowed to bath once a week to save on the bills, I think thats why I bath and shower so much now just because I can.

It’s not like she didn’t have money, she had a good job she just spent all the money on herself instead of us kids, smoking, alcohol and food for her came before her kids. She used to blame my father. She still does. He left when I was only around 4 or 5, he found someone new. At the time I hated him, how could he leave me here with this? Why would my daddy want to leave me? Now I’m older and married myself I completely understand, she was just as bad at marriage as she was being a parent.

We didn’t see my father for a few years, we always asked for him and were told he didn’t want to see us. He’d moved on with his life and lived far away with his new girlfriend. It wasn’t until I was a bit older that I found out from a friends mother that he lived round the corner and was begging to see us. So thanks again to my mother I missed out on many years with my father. I do know courts were involved but I’ve never asked for details of what happened in court, I can only imagine what would’ve been said on her part. After finding out he lived so close I finally got to see him again and thats never stopped. I still see him all the time and I love his wife. Yes it was wrong to cheat on my mother with his now wife and I will never agree with how he left but I do understand that he deserved happiness.

Anyway, since my dad left we had a string of men appear in the house. I never liked them they always seemed really sleazy. I would stay in my room and avoid them, it was easy really as my mother had locks on the outside of our doors so if I wanted to be locked in I’d just be naughty when I knew they were arriving and I’d be locked in my room for the rest of the day, I also placed my drawers in front of the door so they couldn’t open it and come in. They never stuck around though, thankfully. Bar one he was with my mother for around 4 years I think from the ages of about 7 to 10. He was moved into our family home straight away. He had his own kids who they’re mother never liked him seeing and when he did he’d just be shoved in one of our rooms and left until his mother picked him up. I didn’t like the man or his kids. The man would just constantly shout and hit us, the only good trait he had was the house was spotless when he lived there, shame our bodies weren’t. We were constantly black and blue but obviously it was in places that wouldn’t be seen by anyone so he could get away with it.

I remember having a physical fight with his son, god knows what it was about but I floored him I was a 10 year old girl and I floored an 11 year old boy and god I was so proud. His dad was livid though so I was ready for the beating of my life but instead I thought fuck it I’m going to stand my ground, I’d floored an 11 year old I could take on the world right now! It was the first time I stood up to him, I shouted in his face that he didn’t scare me and he couldn’t touch me. I was so little but I felt about 7 foot tall at the time. He stopped and walked away I still don’t know to this day if I broke him but he moved out of ours not long later. I recently found out both him and his son are in jail for pouring an abusive substance over someone, I’m so glad I stood up to him that day. After that there was only one more man and then nothing since. I do feel sorry for her but I also think she brings it on herself.

In my high school years I was never at home, I made sure I was always at a mates or in some park drinking. She didn’t care. I used to go on little trips with my friends to meet lads we met online and if their parents found out it was hell on not for me though. As long as I was still doing well in school it didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing. Things started to slip at school in year 9 though. I gave up I couldn’t be bothered to be that perfect girl anymore, I was getting detentions and truanting. I left school with some GCSE’s but definitely not what I would’ve wanted looking back now. I went to college just so I could stay with my mates, we all did beauty therapy, although none of us are actually in the beauty trade right now. We all feel like our college life was pointless. I ended up quitting college when I was 18, partly because my boyfriend wanted me too, partly because I wanted to piss off my mother because she wouldn’t get money for me being in full time education anymore. I moved in with my boyfriend not long after meeting him on my 18th birthday. I was desperate to leave my family home, I would’ve loved to move to my fathers but he just didn’t have the space, I still wish now he could’ve moved to a bigger place and let me live there. How life would’ve been different.

Moving in with my boyfriend was a huge mistake. He was verbally and physically abusive. I stayed with him for 2 years though until he decided I wasn’t good enough anymore and he wanted someone younger. I remember being devastated, I loved him so much and he just threw me out like I was trash. Since then I stayed with friends and went off the rails drinking far too much and pulling anyone who came onto me on a night out. It only went on for a few months but it was a few months that I felt like I was in control of my whole life. I didn’t have my mother demanding I was perfect, I didn’t have a boyfriend demanding I gave him all my money while he hurt me. I was just having fun with my best friend.

Around 8 months after my boyfriend broke my heart I met someone who I actually genuinely liked and it seemed he liked me too. I still had my guards up and didn’t let him in but he kept pushing. We started dating and after a couple of months I brought him to meet my dad, he was the first boy I ever brought to meet my dad. Even though I had lived with my ex for 2 years he always refused to me meet my family, I think it was because he knew my dad would take me away from him. My dad and his wife loved him they got on so well and I think I knew from that point he was a keeper. My mother though didn’t. He was younger than me and my mother just kept saying I should get back with my ex he was older with a good job he was better for me. She knew everything that happened in that relationship and still told me to go back. See what I mean about being a terrible parent?

I stuck with the new man though and we ended up married with 2 kids and it’ll be 10 years together soon. We’ve had a lot thrown at us. A lot revolving my mother. She ruined my wedding day, she ruined my daughters christening, she’s ruined so many christmases for me that I no longer see her on Christmas I spend it with my father and his family.

My mother lived with my brother in the dingy flat until my brother got sick of her and moved far away with his girlfriend. So that left me being her only child near her. She’s got a disease so if she just keep up with her medication she can die so can’t really live on her own. Obviously I suggested sheltered accommodation but no all of sudden she had moved into my home. 7 years later she’s still here, if I bring up the option of sheltered accommodation or her moving out she plays the depression card and kicks off. She still refuses to clean and her room is disgusting. Both my kids are starting to wish she wasn’t here too. Yet she still walks around having digs at everyone. It’s so frustrating but I’m stuck. I don’t want to be here with her and my husband is a saint for staying being around all this. Most of the things we’ve been put through has been because of her. I’m sure she purposely wants my marriage to fail because she couldn’t keep a man.

So now at the age of almost 30, I still feel like she still has a hold over me. If I throw her out and something happens its my fault. I’ll be the bad person. Its getting to the point though that I can’t take this for much longer. Again my brother gets to have his life while I’m stuck unable to live like a proper married couple. Everyday it gets worse and everyday I’m thankful that I’ll never turn into a horrible mother like her. I wish she’d realised a lot earlier she shouldn’t of had kids.

Anyone who doesn’t have a great relationship with your mother don’t feel alone, you are not alone just like I’m not alone. Although it does feel that way an awful lot of the time.

One thought on “Girl Tribe Tales – Part Two. I wish I had a different Mum.

  1. Oh honey, you need to be on this page: Healing Journey for C-PTSD from Developmental Trauma
    and this one: the sisterhood: daughters of narcissistic and abusive mothers
    HUGE, HUGE hugs and clouds of empathy dust xxxxxx

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