Weird thing to say hey ? Tilly is going through a separation anxiety phase and if I’m honest, I’m absolutely bloody thrilled about it. At four years and nine months old, my biggest baby has started howling if I leave her at bedtime and it’s a little bit brilliant…
If you follow me on Facebook or instagram you’ll know we had a reallly magical moment last week when Tilly let me sleep next to her for the first time in four years. It was so wonderful that I cried.
See, since about twelve months old, Tilly hasn’t given much of a shit about me. The baby that was strapped to my chest all day and slept in my arms all night all of a sudden didn’t want me anywhere near her. Ive had to practicality throw her and run away at bedtimes as she hated me being in the room with her. Every mothering instinct in my body wanted to sleep next to my baby and soothe her to sleep, but she didn’t want me anymore. This continued for the next four years. I cannot tell you how difficult it has been to settle her to sleep in hospital, I’ve had to hide in bathrooms and pray she’d go off many many times. Not being able to settle or soothe my child to sleep in unfamiliar and strange places was hard. Really hard.
And yet here I am. Sat on the end of my almost five year olds bed watching her drift off to sleep. It’s taken me two weeks to realise it’s me she wants, quite possibly the last thing I’d ever think of. I darent leave the room as she will scream the house down if I do…. and you know what? It’s bloody magical. I’ve seen her fall asleep a handful of times in the last four years and all of those occasions were due to masses of epilepsy drugs, one general anaesthetic (hell) and one exhausting early morning curled up together in the resus room of the child’s Ward after a night of seizures. Never very happy times.
This is different. This time she wants me here. She finally finds comfort from my presence and wants me to be in her space even if I do keep spoiling it by sobbing (happy tears) loudly.
This summer with Tilly has been wonderful. After a springtime of non stop hospital stays, violence, EEGs, steroids and desperate phone calls to doctors who couldn’t help me… it’s simply magical to finally be what my child needs. I finally feel like she knows I’m her mama again.